tatay

i cant stop thinking and bringing memories: i will say a little about my father & I-

• he was a father that will threaten me to use a charcoal to practice writing if I dont
• he was a father who will made me fill up a dam of water to practice reading if i dont.  filling-up a dam back then in philippines is excruciating if you think about it now.  you will be in a long line with other kids, you'll pick-up a fight or your enemy is waiting for a lucky day that you will be there. you'll be lucky to go home with a clean face or avoided rolled-out in muds. of course, i will choose to fill-up a dam.

you can now imagine a long years living with him avoiding his shadow of fear or duel to make yourself a better person and what's wrong with that? 

the next thing i know, i was reading endlessly. had read 'gone with the winds' in my early teens. kane & abel, mario puzo's books and pick-up mills & boon along with the other books flying out of the shelves back then.

i won best penmanship in class and helped classmates to work with their homework.  i was a teen with money, street wise and use every talent i posses.  i sneak out from home to play chess in the corner of the street with kids a lot older than me to win some bucks.  what kind of a daughter iam to my father? not knowing what to do next and after next.  i am not a bad person and for what i will do is just what we call 'hyper'.

i once read a poem to my parents whose now together again:

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts.

emphasizing and reading the bold words.

the battle did not end and iam a better person because someone did not gave up on me.  i am one lucky person who had an opportunity to work overseas and every single letter i received from him will always makes me cry.  it was not abusive nor blame.  it was a fatherly letter to a daughter who always care. i cried because i was so guilty how hard i fought him. i run-away from home not only once and only to go home with a father with an open arms to accept a daughter again.

what more? he is not my real father - he is my step-father! through out the years i did not fail to let him know how sorry i was and how grateful i am.

luhod

why you didn't tell us all about it? that is so depressing to think you have to experience such begging. though we didnt get along very well, i would never in my soul do the same thing to you nor any of us except her.  i am so sorry. i should have known.  i maybe too far away but i know i could have done something to at least ease your pain.

tatay is now with you and i trust that both of you will pick-up the life you had happily lived before.

i love you both!

my textmate passed away 'dust in the wind'

Dear Tatay,

To this date I am still learning from you.  Did not know that punerarya need to wait 10 hours before they can move nor touch a dead soul.  You're a constant mentor and never failed to teach your children just about everything.  I just talked to Jhun-jhun and somehow we manage to laugh things of how you reason out for anything.

Now I will be missing your text and thank goodness you can text.  In an effort to be close to you I promised myself that I will text you at lease every week to check on you which you may have not notice we do.

There are too many things that I would sincerely like to express how grateful I am to having you as a father and some people say you are not my father.  I have never believe it nor you made me feel that you are not.  I will be truthful to what I will say next.  When I was young I used to hate how extremely strict you are to me, you will do anything to make me do the right thing.  You will make me choose to practice reading or fetch a water and fill up a dam.  Of course, I will choose to fill up a dam and when its done, you did not leave me alone and I ended up practice reading.  How much I hate you those times.  When I know your heading home from work, I will go and hid myself at the rooftop of our house and spend my afternoon until you get drunk and fall asleep, I am free for any task you may want to me do to study.  That does not happen everyday.  The continuous task to study goes on and I finally learned.  I did not realize it before but when I started learning to read, I did not stop afterall.  I found myself reading, writing and reading that led me an opportunity to work overseas. 

My life change dramatically.  I live a life too busy and too fast and each time I got a letter from you when I am in Hong Kong I cry, not that you say bad things it is too fatherly letter for a daughter.  For many years I worked you never asked a single cents from me not even once even when you are sicked.  Between phone calls when I am now here in US and I told you that my life is so different compared in HK you said you "i have $200 dollars, you want me to send it to you?"  I will never forget that offer 'coz I dont think anyone offered me that much.

I am lucky to know that I once a daughter, that I have a father that made me feel like one.  In spite of shortcoming you may have, I understand that none of it, is too cause any of us pain or sufferings there is always a goal to what you do.  People had an impression that you dont communicate well what people dont know is how loud, precise and clearly you carried a communication.  I used to say with my friends when we talked about our parents and I will reply 'dont get me wrong, i love my parents Tatay & Nanay but for some reason, I can sit with my father from dusk to dawn talking just about nothing and anything while I'll be with my mom and in less than an hour one of us is ready to twist each other's neck".

I am lucky to know you and for that I will always be thankful how wide you open your heart to me not only to carry me under your wings but to be there as always 'till the last string of your breath!

reviving feelings

i remember the days when i first came from hong kong to us of a.  when ill be left alone at home while noel is at work and kerks at school.  i woke up this morning feeling the same when at 10am i have nothing left to do.  today i tend laundries and cooked for lunch by the time it is 10am, i cant think of anything else what to do. 

those days do drove me crazy living from the city full of lives, non-stop meeting friends, every week of parties, after hour drinking, dining outside - french food, vietnamese, thailand, italian, greek, being the first of 50 customers of a new restaurant or just cruising islands. exploring restaurants that we have to drive more than 2 hours for a plate of foods or flew to either bangkok or philippines to spend a long weekend if we do happen to get that break.  life is different now but i do like remembering those days.

today made me remind being lonely here, it breaks my heart and i dont want to remember coming here that's a sad transition.

now i have my family and dont think i will ever choose to live anywhere without them.

it bleeds to know ...

i worried about de-deng not because of having a tough life, that is one.  what bothers me is knowing that she is not happy, that's causing the bleed and i cant take my mind out of it.  how do you help someone in that stage.  you can only talk so much but how do you break the cord of loneliness. i hate to know someone i knew having that stage of life.  i hate myself, i worry too much, i love too deep for everyone, everyone i touch, everything i care!

my children

it's been a long time when i felt like this, waiting for your kid to get better, scared.  the first time was when i picked-up kerks in a high fever, he was just less than a year old. i rushed him in a hospital while i hold him like a vegetable in a cab.  i am so scared, he doesnt move, look or anything. luckily at the hospital i met my regular doctor who attended with him right away. he gave kerks a shot and we were sent home.  it took days that i was staring at him all the time not remembering what i am thinking, just the feeling.  i never want to be away from him, i remember that.

now its avell. i hardly say a word to anyone, i dont even want to talk what happened to her to anyone. i am constantly next to her, watching every move she make to protect her injured arm.  its now the 2nd night that iam loosing sleep - feel like a week - watching the time - watching avell - staring her in her sleep.  iam waiting for the time when we get to bring her to an orthopedic doctor. seems like forever.

with krispin. i refuse to plan anything on a weekend - hes constantly sick of colds/flu and often times fever.  i do not expect him that he will be sick why iam not planning - but i remember that i dont plan anything so i can be with him.  it came to the point that i loose sleep no matter what i do, krispin needs to be with me and only then i will fall asleep.

family is amazing. makes you realize how far you can do without question, without thinking, you are always there whoever needs you most.

sweety is different. he watched in the corner of his eyes, seeing everything -  not saying a word. always an inch away from anyone whose about to fall, whose ready to carry you anytime there now, lift your spirit, makes you laugh and at that precise moment you did forget - that you are sick - or you were depress - it is now depressed - and no longer are.

family!

the Atis tree

that was not a dream, you did visited me last night but that was a nice drop-by:  here's how it started:

i dream of this house that we live in, in a number of times actually. this house has fruit trees and flower plants too at the front yard. you love trees, plants, flowers and many kinds. 

as it started:  tess and her family arriving at the house to visit us, no occasion just a usual thing that we do.  there was also a baboy from one of the hundred stuff that tess to unload from their car, the usual tess. and i saw kuya boy walking behind the baboy.  the baboy is scheduled for lechon. boys thing to do, tatay and kuya boy to lechon together like the two do get along.  maybe you're telling me that they will do somehow in another area of life.

anyway, in the dream abigail and yeye is very clear perhaps because they are the two that are grown enough to remember me whenever i visited you guys in philippines.  i took the two girls to tour the house, like it was big but no - it's not a big house.  somewhere during the same day, i walked outside the house to mend the flower plants and ended up at the fruit trees.  we have mango tree, atis and something else.  i started picking fruits for some are getting over ripe and took it inside.  yeye followed me the 2nd time and started to pick fruits with me.  some of the atis are getting over ripe but some are still too hard to pick.  we kept picking different fruits from different trees until we have to grab a container and yeye took a ladder to pick more.  the dream went on and on picking fruits, yeye climbing up and down the ladder until one of the atis stuck on my hand, i was staring at it then i remember ...... when you once told me the story of atis.

you once visited vioy house and so happen that they have an atis tree.  i was living with them at that time and i guess you are actually visiting me instead of them.  you adored the atis tree at the front yard while over looking standing at vioy's front door. the sprouting little fruits at it's current season - bearing fruits.  while in the moment of adoring the atis tree, you asked rita if you can have some.  rita looked at the tree the way you adored it, then turned to you and said 'you can't have some'.  she was smiling though when she told you that, not a smile of an insult but it is to cover how it might hurt you.  and it did hurt you.

it hurt you so much you said, it made you depress and told me the story a few days later or i think you told that to me when we were back in our home.  i know its depression 'coz you did not say a word back and if its anger you have screamed already.  i dont think you are nagsusumbong sa'kin its just that you are hurt and you subconsciously telling the story.

somehow the atis that's stuck in my hand, one iam staring at, one that stop me from placing it in the container, made me remember you. but somehow remembering the past i did not feel you are upset nor depress.  you are actually smiling while i played the memory of that day you were telling me the atis tee.  and that's when i felt it was not a dream and that you are smiling next to me - you made me feel you are happy wherever you are.  you are happy with us and i know that.

thanks for dropping by, i like that and i wouldn't mind you doing it often.

love you nanay,

lina

birthday message 2011

Mission Peak: Kerks 06Jul12

happy birthday mommy,

just wanted to let you know that i love you so much. i know it's been kind of hard to cope and deal with my whole situation lately, but i dont want it to ruin your birthday.  sorry i couldn't get you something this year, but hopefully this will be enough to start your day in a positive way.  i want to let you know how much i look up to you as my mother.  you work hard with dad to keep this family sustainable together and you never let your hopes fade away.  through hard times you know how to stay happy and to keep a smile on your face always.  you make the best out of the worst situation, which is hard to find in people nowadays. so i want to let you know that i really admire that and i hope to carry that trait throughout my life after learning it from you.  because of you, you taught me to never give up not even in my lowest times of life and to always see the better side because everything happens for a reason.  i look up to you as my inspiration on the kind of person  i want to be as i get older in life, plus i'm glad to be realizing this at a young age. so, in all - i just want to tell you that i really appreciate the person you are and everything you've done for me and this family.  i know we've had our ups and down, and i know we will continue to have some, but i'm speaking on behalf of all your 3 children when i say that we wouldn't want anyone else to be OUR mommy.  hope you have a great day mommy. love you soooo much. 

your son,
Kerks Palma

abigail

nay,
i kept forgetting to post what your apo wrote as her basic info sa Facebook, I am impress - so here goes:

Esther Abigail Villarba:

I'm 21... and forever young :)
I am the moodiest person you'll ever meet. :) :(
God will always be my first love.
My girl friends are my diamonds
I am an impatient dentistry student
I have the best family in the world ♥
My dad, he is my money-ger
My mom is my kumare
I am lola's baby girl, sadly she passed away :'(
I look up to Hazel, I care for Joy, I want to be a good ate to Joel
Manila is my home, but Gapo is my love
Shorts and skirts are my best friend
Only a minute would take you to get close with me
I always see to it that i have the most updated songs in my Ipod, I don't want to be left out when it comes to music...
I cannot leave home w/out my Ipod
Music feeds my soul
I super love net surfing ♥
I always ask money for current issue magazines
I extremely love cooking!
(pero hindi p ko ready magasawa)
Sometimes I am big, sometimes I am small, but whatever it is I must love my body
If you feel beautiful, flip the hair
I super hate plastics, social climbers and those persons who-are-not-true to themselves
I disgust imitators
I heart shopping, if and only if I have money!
I can't stop collecting almost everything
I am the girl who always got nothing to wear but her closet is full of clothes!
I am a very sensitive person
I am a laugher
I can laugh extremely but with no sound at all
My only talent is solving a rubix cube
And I think I am talentless
I am a diva in my own element
If I get mad, I really go gaga
Whatever you're dreams are, take the risk!
Miracles happen when you believe!

Smiles make my gloomy days bright
Love makes it brighter.. ♥

Honestly, I am a boring person but
There's way too much stuff to know about me
I would love to be your friend

Because I was bored beyond belief

So i fill up this info

And if you are done reading this, then wow maybe you were just as bored as I am!

Toodles! ♥

"smile :) and love ♥"

Pakwan & Dining with Palma

And the season begun, pakwan everywhere which reminds me an old story dining with Palma.

Dining with Palma is a must at an age of teen's and younger specially if its Tatay whose cooking the meal. Which of course, is a feast richful taste. Table must be set, dining plates, spoon & fork in its place, glass full of water and desert prepared, cut in pieces from seasoned fruits, i mean fresh cut fruits. Not baked, pies, merengues, fruit salad or something of a kind.

I cant remember what's the main course, as we call it now but i do remember the watermelon cut into pieces. We are enjoying the 'pakwan' at this time and i started the story ....

A woman in stall saw the sample of 'pakwan', red and ravishing to its peak. looks tasteful and in a good quality. She wanted to sample what she picked but was refused (see footnote below).  Anyway, without a doubt the woman bought from the same stall and all in trust from the red and ravishing sample, paid and place the heavy pakwan in her basket. 

Along the way going back home, walking with raw vegies, meats and deserts for the weekend, the woman almost got hit! the poor pakwan rolled over the road and broke into half. after the womans recovery from the shock, she picked up the watermelon and walk back to where she bought it. devastated, complaining and screaming to the tip of her lungs she was shouting with the man who sold the pakwan on why what she bought is not as red and ravising from the sample on the stall. 

the man asked what happened as the watermelon was in half so the woman explained that she almost got hit and the watermelon rolled on the road. the man said, "that's why its not as red and ravishing even I myself who'll encounter such an accident will turn out white too! so dont blame me."

Tatay who never laugh out loud often, almost lost his false teeth laughing out loud - 'dining with Palma.'

footnote: One golden rules in Philippine market, unless you sample the same piece you will be forced to buy it though you will not be satisfied to what it will be, you have no choice.

On Children

I remember this poem, and once read to you. You laugh out loud while I was reading it:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.

As of today, I can recite the above from heart because I do remember how I make you laugh. I pick that poem up and intentionally read it to you, we are constantly in argument of something, nothing and something again. but life goes on and no doubt about it. it's funny when i used to use it specially when we are arguing simply.

i miss those moments ..... children!

kerks grad

i now know one can be like you holding that moment. never want to miss the day. preparing yourself for the 2hours ceremony that seemed waited for so long. kerks is so happy and so as me. i have seen how he cherished the success, i have seen how proud he is and sincerely thankful that MOTHER is there with him.

lav yah 'nay - always.

lucky it is

how lucky one can be when you can run your fingers to your childs hair at anytime, when you can kiss their sleeping cheeks and hear the sounds of their sleeps. when you can hear them calling you, needing you all the time though there is none that they want but just be with you, see you.

lucky it is ....

reading glass

you have once asked me for a reading glass and you are grabbing anything you can see from me, frames that i dont use. at that time i hesitate to pay attention to any of it. i know nothing about it to contribute further but now understood how convenient it is to have one. if ive only known, i would have got you a new one with string and anything that goes with it.

how i wish i can take care of you now ... i love you so much! lina

thinking of you

more often i do think of you and i wish im in the computer so i can blog what i am thinking or what i do remember.

today driving to work i was thinking of you and it hurts how it feels that i will never see you again. i wish to see you. there are too many moments that i want to share with you. there were news about avell, krispin, kerks or what noel cooked for me that i want to share with you, it is very exciting if i know that i cant wait to tell you but you are gone. i am still excited to tell friends but its different.

i remember when i gave birth to avell. i was keeping her name for so long, thought of it month of may 2008 and gave birth october. i cant wait to tell you what her name is, i kept that name until i gave birth and i promise myself that i will tell it to you 1st. i know you will be excited - you will understand and as i thought you will feel that you have hold her next to you when you 1st heard avell.

krispin is one who never fail to make me feel he loves me everyday. i cant count on my finger how many times he will say 'i love you so much' not just i love you but there is always the so much.

kerks is different na, we were even planning to visit philippines kahit sya lang to visit you but now you're gone. im still trying to discuss with him na at least kahit sya bumisita sa pinas. kung sya lang i can afford it. you will be surprise sana everyone is.

something bad happened to me late last year. i was in a long week of anger and depression. but after the anger and depression i feel i am relieved, happy in fact not to the point that im happy that someone will be carrying guilt of sin (maybe for a lifelong) noh, iam not happy about that. i am happy because i knew that i will not be breathing of that unpleasant air of depression, that i will not be angry anymore.

i even cry when i feel the freedom, the relief of that feeling for 8 long years. no more humiliation, no more thinking what ive said and not will not please her, the chain of that suffering is over. the undirect hurtful words that i hear over and over again will no longer haunt me. for that i thank God above sincerely, its good to be free.

what i was thinking today and most of those days though is you, when i am crying over it. we will be walking hand in hand sa neighborhood saying hello to your friends while talking about it. i could have told you everything, you will share my pain and my courage at the same time - for that i misses you so much.

i did say and felt the pain of other and learned this quote: it is bitter to taste your own medicine and even too painful if you injected it to yourself.

hello nanay

below are email and news gathered regarding all saints day for this year:
---------
from dedeng:
Glenda Palma Pimentel October 31 at 8:31pm
bernard, bri and bea visited patricia...nov.1st they gave respect and offered nanays favorite flower..orhchids. white candles for eternal repose of her souls..glenn and i stayed in laguna and we pray ...tonight we will light a white candle symbol of our love...we are happy that Jesus gave us a sign... she is now rejoicing with the Lord in heaven...after her death nagdasal ako i ask Jesus to gave us a sign that nanay is ok. hindi pa natapos ang maghapon binigay ang sign. while praying nakakita ako ng puting bagay na inaabot sa'kin meaning she's happy..that same night si bri may inaabot na bond paper hindi daw nya mapantay ang pagtupi...i cried ...tears of joy..yun ang same senario na nakita ko while praying, same day Jesus answered my prayer....
------------
replied from dedengs news:
ohh thats was nice. i did not thought about her at all. all saints day here, halloween - and all i did is to take krispin to his errands. i was so tired taking him from one party to another event with his costume and make-up. Halloween is big here with krispin at his age. for years i never thought of anyone dying or praying for any soul, its good to forget - it feels alive afterall.

yeah after all this time, i still didnt feel your gone. much love lina
---------------
spoke to ate pol today and she also lighted a candle for you. chloe told her that if she light the candle in front of the house, people may think that she is celebrating the halloween day so she lighted it thru her garden in able to avoid answering the door for trick 'r treat kids candy collection.
--------------
kerks went to church and told her to pray for me.

skirt & slit

i was driving back home today when I remember, you used to make me a pencil cut skirt with a slit. how i love those skirts and i guess i started to use it at a very young age. most of it are done by you and realize how talented you are. sana i got that skill. nowadays i have to use a staple pag may tastas ang palda ko. i guess its too late to learn sawing ha.
loveyah!

tita nel

was sad hearing the new from ate pol. she's still in hong kong and living the old life na. saving funds for her funeral daw and still working but for now, a dishwasher at night to survive living. sad. no aimee yet.

tita bebot & update

tita bebot pass away. precy from japan was texting me and I decided to call ate pol after I gotten 3 text about tita bebot being in the hospital and no one is helping. ate pol took it ok and finally decided to help.

tatay & jhun is not in good terms about the bahay. tess got in between to fix it. i guess its ok for now. i saw de-deng and family sa facebook and that makes me happy. at least I can connect to them.

we went camping at gualala. its avell 1st camping trip and we just stayed for a night. it was too cold and the kids are bored. drive to gualala is pretty bt with an intense road. zigzag and a cliff for at least an hour.

sniff

diary - i used to have one and kept one when i came to hong kong. nowadays i talked to myself like im talking to you, like my diary. i wanted to tell you many many things and will go along with it.

im enjoying every night sleeping with avell. she like to sleep on top of my chest. i can freely sniff her face anytime i want sleep or awake. that remind me, it is kerks who noticed that i kiss by sniffing his chicks. then i heard it next to krispin, somehow i always forgotten how i kiss - sniff.

i cant remember when was the last time i hug or kiss you. that must be when im saying goodbye the last time i visit you going back here.

take care lina