it bleeds to know ...

i worried about de-deng not because of having a tough life, that is one.  what bothers me is knowing that she is not happy, that's causing the bleed and i cant take my mind out of it.  how do you help someone in that stage.  you can only talk so much but how do you break the cord of loneliness. i hate to know someone i knew having that stage of life.  i hate myself, i worry too much, i love too deep for everyone, everyone i touch, everything i care!

my children

it's been a long time when i felt like this, waiting for your kid to get better, scared.  the first time was when i picked-up kerks in a high fever, he was just less than a year old. i rushed him in a hospital while i hold him like a vegetable in a cab.  i am so scared, he doesnt move, look or anything. luckily at the hospital i met my regular doctor who attended with him right away. he gave kerks a shot and we were sent home.  it took days that i was staring at him all the time not remembering what i am thinking, just the feeling.  i never want to be away from him, i remember that.

now its avell. i hardly say a word to anyone, i dont even want to talk what happened to her to anyone. i am constantly next to her, watching every move she make to protect her injured arm.  its now the 2nd night that iam loosing sleep - feel like a week - watching the time - watching avell - staring her in her sleep.  iam waiting for the time when we get to bring her to an orthopedic doctor. seems like forever.

with krispin. i refuse to plan anything on a weekend - hes constantly sick of colds/flu and often times fever.  i do not expect him that he will be sick why iam not planning - but i remember that i dont plan anything so i can be with him.  it came to the point that i loose sleep no matter what i do, krispin needs to be with me and only then i will fall asleep.

family is amazing. makes you realize how far you can do without question, without thinking, you are always there whoever needs you most.

sweety is different. he watched in the corner of his eyes, seeing everything -  not saying a word. always an inch away from anyone whose about to fall, whose ready to carry you anytime there now, lift your spirit, makes you laugh and at that precise moment you did forget - that you are sick - or you were depress - it is now depressed - and no longer are.

family!

the Atis tree

that was not a dream, you did visited me last night but that was a nice drop-by:  here's how it started:

i dream of this house that we live in, in a number of times actually. this house has fruit trees and flower plants too at the front yard. you love trees, plants, flowers and many kinds. 

as it started:  tess and her family arriving at the house to visit us, no occasion just a usual thing that we do.  there was also a baboy from one of the hundred stuff that tess to unload from their car, the usual tess. and i saw kuya boy walking behind the baboy.  the baboy is scheduled for lechon. boys thing to do, tatay and kuya boy to lechon together like the two do get along.  maybe you're telling me that they will do somehow in another area of life.

anyway, in the dream abigail and yeye is very clear perhaps because they are the two that are grown enough to remember me whenever i visited you guys in philippines.  i took the two girls to tour the house, like it was big but no - it's not a big house.  somewhere during the same day, i walked outside the house to mend the flower plants and ended up at the fruit trees.  we have mango tree, atis and something else.  i started picking fruits for some are getting over ripe and took it inside.  yeye followed me the 2nd time and started to pick fruits with me.  some of the atis are getting over ripe but some are still too hard to pick.  we kept picking different fruits from different trees until we have to grab a container and yeye took a ladder to pick more.  the dream went on and on picking fruits, yeye climbing up and down the ladder until one of the atis stuck on my hand, i was staring at it then i remember ...... when you once told me the story of atis.

you once visited vioy house and so happen that they have an atis tree.  i was living with them at that time and i guess you are actually visiting me instead of them.  you adored the atis tree at the front yard while over looking standing at vioy's front door. the sprouting little fruits at it's current season - bearing fruits.  while in the moment of adoring the atis tree, you asked rita if you can have some.  rita looked at the tree the way you adored it, then turned to you and said 'you can't have some'.  she was smiling though when she told you that, not a smile of an insult but it is to cover how it might hurt you.  and it did hurt you.

it hurt you so much you said, it made you depress and told me the story a few days later or i think you told that to me when we were back in our home.  i know its depression 'coz you did not say a word back and if its anger you have screamed already.  i dont think you are nagsusumbong sa'kin its just that you are hurt and you subconsciously telling the story.

somehow the atis that's stuck in my hand, one iam staring at, one that stop me from placing it in the container, made me remember you. but somehow remembering the past i did not feel you are upset nor depress.  you are actually smiling while i played the memory of that day you were telling me the atis tee.  and that's when i felt it was not a dream and that you are smiling next to me - you made me feel you are happy wherever you are.  you are happy with us and i know that.

thanks for dropping by, i like that and i wouldn't mind you doing it often.

love you nanay,

lina

birthday message 2011

Mission Peak: Kerks 06Jul12

happy birthday mommy,

just wanted to let you know that i love you so much. i know it's been kind of hard to cope and deal with my whole situation lately, but i dont want it to ruin your birthday.  sorry i couldn't get you something this year, but hopefully this will be enough to start your day in a positive way.  i want to let you know how much i look up to you as my mother.  you work hard with dad to keep this family sustainable together and you never let your hopes fade away.  through hard times you know how to stay happy and to keep a smile on your face always.  you make the best out of the worst situation, which is hard to find in people nowadays. so i want to let you know that i really admire that and i hope to carry that trait throughout my life after learning it from you.  because of you, you taught me to never give up not even in my lowest times of life and to always see the better side because everything happens for a reason.  i look up to you as my inspiration on the kind of person  i want to be as i get older in life, plus i'm glad to be realizing this at a young age. so, in all - i just want to tell you that i really appreciate the person you are and everything you've done for me and this family.  i know we've had our ups and down, and i know we will continue to have some, but i'm speaking on behalf of all your 3 children when i say that we wouldn't want anyone else to be OUR mommy.  hope you have a great day mommy. love you soooo much. 

your son,
Kerks Palma

abigail

nay,
i kept forgetting to post what your apo wrote as her basic info sa Facebook, I am impress - so here goes:

Esther Abigail Villarba:

I'm 21... and forever young :)
I am the moodiest person you'll ever meet. :) :(
God will always be my first love.
My girl friends are my diamonds
I am an impatient dentistry student
I have the best family in the world ♥
My dad, he is my money-ger
My mom is my kumare
I am lola's baby girl, sadly she passed away :'(
I look up to Hazel, I care for Joy, I want to be a good ate to Joel
Manila is my home, but Gapo is my love
Shorts and skirts are my best friend
Only a minute would take you to get close with me
I always see to it that i have the most updated songs in my Ipod, I don't want to be left out when it comes to music...
I cannot leave home w/out my Ipod
Music feeds my soul
I super love net surfing ♥
I always ask money for current issue magazines
I extremely love cooking!
(pero hindi p ko ready magasawa)
Sometimes I am big, sometimes I am small, but whatever it is I must love my body
If you feel beautiful, flip the hair
I super hate plastics, social climbers and those persons who-are-not-true to themselves
I disgust imitators
I heart shopping, if and only if I have money!
I can't stop collecting almost everything
I am the girl who always got nothing to wear but her closet is full of clothes!
I am a very sensitive person
I am a laugher
I can laugh extremely but with no sound at all
My only talent is solving a rubix cube
And I think I am talentless
I am a diva in my own element
If I get mad, I really go gaga
Whatever you're dreams are, take the risk!
Miracles happen when you believe!

Smiles make my gloomy days bright
Love makes it brighter.. ♥

Honestly, I am a boring person but
There's way too much stuff to know about me
I would love to be your friend

Because I was bored beyond belief

So i fill up this info

And if you are done reading this, then wow maybe you were just as bored as I am!

Toodles! ♥

"smile :) and love ♥"

Pakwan & Dining with Palma

And the season begun, pakwan everywhere which reminds me an old story dining with Palma.

Dining with Palma is a must at an age of teen's and younger specially if its Tatay whose cooking the meal. Which of course, is a feast richful taste. Table must be set, dining plates, spoon & fork in its place, glass full of water and desert prepared, cut in pieces from seasoned fruits, i mean fresh cut fruits. Not baked, pies, merengues, fruit salad or something of a kind.

I cant remember what's the main course, as we call it now but i do remember the watermelon cut into pieces. We are enjoying the 'pakwan' at this time and i started the story ....

A woman in stall saw the sample of 'pakwan', red and ravishing to its peak. looks tasteful and in a good quality. She wanted to sample what she picked but was refused (see footnote below).  Anyway, without a doubt the woman bought from the same stall and all in trust from the red and ravishing sample, paid and place the heavy pakwan in her basket. 

Along the way going back home, walking with raw vegies, meats and deserts for the weekend, the woman almost got hit! the poor pakwan rolled over the road and broke into half. after the womans recovery from the shock, she picked up the watermelon and walk back to where she bought it. devastated, complaining and screaming to the tip of her lungs she was shouting with the man who sold the pakwan on why what she bought is not as red and ravising from the sample on the stall. 

the man asked what happened as the watermelon was in half so the woman explained that she almost got hit and the watermelon rolled on the road. the man said, "that's why its not as red and ravishing even I myself who'll encounter such an accident will turn out white too! so dont blame me."

Tatay who never laugh out loud often, almost lost his false teeth laughing out loud - 'dining with Palma.'

footnote: One golden rules in Philippine market, unless you sample the same piece you will be forced to buy it though you will not be satisfied to what it will be, you have no choice.

On Children

I remember this poem, and once read to you. You laugh out loud while I was reading it:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.

As of today, I can recite the above from heart because I do remember how I make you laugh. I pick that poem up and intentionally read it to you, we are constantly in argument of something, nothing and something again. but life goes on and no doubt about it. it's funny when i used to use it specially when we are arguing simply.

i miss those moments ..... children!