tatay

i cant stop thinking and bringing memories: i will say a little about my father & I-

• he was a father that will threaten me to use a charcoal to practice writing if I dont
• he was a father who will made me fill up a dam of water to practice reading if i dont.  filling-up a dam back then in philippines is excruciating if you think about it now.  you will be in a long line with other kids, you'll pick-up a fight or your enemy is waiting for a lucky day that you will be there. you'll be lucky to go home with a clean face or avoided rolled-out in muds. of course, i will choose to fill-up a dam.

you can now imagine a long years living with him avoiding his shadow of fear or duel to make yourself a better person and what's wrong with that? 

the next thing i know, i was reading endlessly. had read 'gone with the winds' in my early teens. kane & abel, mario puzo's books and pick-up mills & boon along with the other books flying out of the shelves back then.

i won best penmanship in class and helped classmates to work with their homework.  i was a teen with money, street wise and use every talent i posses.  i sneak out from home to play chess in the corner of the street with kids a lot older than me to win some bucks.  what kind of a daughter iam to my father? not knowing what to do next and after next.  i am not a bad person and for what i will do is just what we call 'hyper'.

i once read a poem to my parents whose now together again:

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts.

emphasizing and reading the bold words.

the battle did not end and iam a better person because someone did not gave up on me.  i am one lucky person who had an opportunity to work overseas and every single letter i received from him will always makes me cry.  it was not abusive nor blame.  it was a fatherly letter to a daughter who always care. i cried because i was so guilty how hard i fought him. i run-away from home not only once and only to go home with a father with an open arms to accept a daughter again.

what more? he is not my real father - he is my step-father! through out the years i did not fail to let him know how sorry i was and how grateful i am.

luhod

why you didn't tell us all about it? that is so depressing to think you have to experience such begging. though we didnt get along very well, i would never in my soul do the same thing to you nor any of us except her.  i am so sorry. i should have known.  i maybe too far away but i know i could have done something to at least ease your pain.

tatay is now with you and i trust that both of you will pick-up the life you had happily lived before.

i love you both!

my textmate passed away 'dust in the wind'

Dear Tatay,

To this date I am still learning from you.  Did not know that punerarya need to wait 10 hours before they can move nor touch a dead soul.  You're a constant mentor and never failed to teach your children just about everything.  I just talked to Jhun-jhun and somehow we manage to laugh things of how you reason out for anything.

Now I will be missing your text and thank goodness you can text.  In an effort to be close to you I promised myself that I will text you at lease every week to check on you which you may have not notice we do.

There are too many things that I would sincerely like to express how grateful I am to having you as a father and some people say you are not my father.  I have never believe it nor you made me feel that you are not.  I will be truthful to what I will say next.  When I was young I used to hate how extremely strict you are to me, you will do anything to make me do the right thing.  You will make me choose to practice reading or fetch a water and fill up a dam.  Of course, I will choose to fill up a dam and when its done, you did not leave me alone and I ended up practice reading.  How much I hate you those times.  When I know your heading home from work, I will go and hid myself at the rooftop of our house and spend my afternoon until you get drunk and fall asleep, I am free for any task you may want to me do to study.  That does not happen everyday.  The continuous task to study goes on and I finally learned.  I did not realize it before but when I started learning to read, I did not stop afterall.  I found myself reading, writing and reading that led me an opportunity to work overseas. 

My life change dramatically.  I live a life too busy and too fast and each time I got a letter from you when I am in Hong Kong I cry, not that you say bad things it is too fatherly letter for a daughter.  For many years I worked you never asked a single cents from me not even once even when you are sicked.  Between phone calls when I am now here in US and I told you that my life is so different compared in HK you said you "i have $200 dollars, you want me to send it to you?"  I will never forget that offer 'coz I dont think anyone offered me that much.

I am lucky to know that I once a daughter, that I have a father that made me feel like one.  In spite of shortcoming you may have, I understand that none of it, is too cause any of us pain or sufferings there is always a goal to what you do.  People had an impression that you dont communicate well what people dont know is how loud, precise and clearly you carried a communication.  I used to say with my friends when we talked about our parents and I will reply 'dont get me wrong, i love my parents Tatay & Nanay but for some reason, I can sit with my father from dusk to dawn talking just about nothing and anything while I'll be with my mom and in less than an hour one of us is ready to twist each other's neck".

I am lucky to know you and for that I will always be thankful how wide you open your heart to me not only to carry me under your wings but to be there as always 'till the last string of your breath!